Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Relationship Wednesday: The Character of Him

It's very important to know exactly the type of partner you are searching for. If you don't, how will you know when you've found him/her? In Chapter 3 of Love Smart: Find the One You Want, Fix the One You Got, Dr. Phil walks you through the process of figuring out who your perfect match is. To get started, consider the following:

Who, exactly, precisely, specifically, do you consider to be a quality guy? Figuring this out now doesn't mean that you shouldn't be fluid and open to change, but it helps to at least start with some objective in mind. It's time to set some standards and start learning to reject those guys who fall far below the bar.

First, assume for a moment that you have found somebody who rings your bell, lights your fire and gets your motor running — all at the same time. How do you feel, knowing that this person is head-over-heels in love with you? Are you feeling a sense of belonging? A sense of acceptance? Are you feeling lucky, blessed and proud of yourself and of your partner? Do you feel peace, joy, security? Do you feel you have finally found your place in this world through this person with whom you are going to share your life?

Those feelings are your real goal. So why go through the process of developing the Character of Him? Because those are the traits and qualities likely to create the feelings described above. So, while it's important that you have a wish list, it's equally important to remember that you're actually looking for the character that will give you the feeling.

Dr. Phil reminds women not to let themselves be seduced by a man's good looks. Your perfect match has to make you feel the way you want to feel. Physical attributes that seem so important in the beginning become superficial. Height, weight, hair color, job and all those sorts of things that may have attracted you to him initially and made your chest swell with pride when you walk into a party together will be at the bottom of the list describing the Character of Him. That's because what you are looking for is the experience of you. And the things that will create this for you will be his values, personality style and interaction style, and the way he helps you to feel.

Dr. Phil cautions: The 100 percent candidate doesn't exist. Instead of wasting time searching for an exact match, look for the guy who is free of the deal-breakers and has 80 percent of what you do want in a partner. The other 20 percent you can grow. If the guy has 80 percent of what you want and potential to grow the extra 20 percent, you have found your match. Remember, life is a compromise. Relationships are a compromise.

To figure out the kind of guy you want, go through the following five lists and check off everything that you can imagine as a desirable trait in your special someone. Don't worry if your wish list seems too long. Check as many items in each category as you desire. Think about you, your life and your potential targets as you go. Which qualities would get you all hot and bothered? Which ones will make your life easier? And which ones have you been looking for all along?

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