5 signs you’re obsessed about love
I recently met a funny, sexy and smart man on a business trip. Definitely interested in getting to know him better, I was delighted when he asked for my number. But when he called seven times and showered me with emails and IMs the next day, my desire plummeted. He may have been simply showing his interest, but I interpreted his behavior as needy at best, scary at worst.
There’s a fine but distinct line between “getting out there” and seeming desperate. Take your search for a date or mate too seriously, and you could kill your chances of finding one.
“The pressure to make things happen can cause people to behave in ways that scare off potential love candidates,” says Steve Nakamoto, author of Men are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man. He compares such daters to a fisherman who, in his rush to reel in a big one, leaves a telltale bit of hook poking through the bait. The trout senses something is amiss, and instead of biting, swims away.
There’s a fine but distinct line between “getting out there” and seeming desperate. Take your search for a date or mate too seriously, and you could kill your chances of finding one.
“The pressure to make things happen can cause people to behave in ways that scare off potential love candidates,” says Steve Nakamoto, author of Men are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man. He compares such daters to a fisherman who, in his rush to reel in a big one, leaves a telltale bit of hook poking through the bait. The trout senses something is amiss, and instead of biting, swims away.
Here are some signs that you may be too intent on finding someone, along with tips for getting a healthy perspective.
Obsessive sign #1: You worry that you’re getting “too old”
With each passing year, you get increasingly anxious that your desirability is dwindling. You’ve even set a “deadline” to meet someone. “Many people worry that they’ll be alone forever. The anxiety starts to feed off itself,” says Debra Mandel, a Los Angeles-based psychologist.
Solution: Lighten up, and you’ll be more attractive to prospective dates or mates. After all, whom would you rather hang out with — someone who’s fun, confident, active and happy, or an insecure bundle of nerves?
Obsessive sign #2: You spend all your free time hunting for a mate
I used to have a friend who rated our activities by how much potential they had for meeting a man. She refused to participate in “no potential” outings such as hiking, biking, or going to a movie. Instead she preferred to sit at a bar in hopes that Mr. Right would walk in.
Solution: Get a life. It’s doubtful anyone worthwhile will be interested in someone whose only hobby is trying to get a date. Hang with friends (while you still have some — obsessive mate-hunting is a good way to lose them!), join a gym, volunteer for a good cause. “Limit the time you spend searching for dates to a couple of hours a week,” says Mandel. “The more fully you live, the better your chances of attracting a suitable companion.”
Obsessive sign #3: You hang your hopes on first dates
Before the night is over, you’re already wondering where the two of you will live and if your kids will get along.
Solution: Keep it light. “The first date is simply about chemistry and seeing if the conversation flows,” says Liz Kelley, dating coach and author of Smart Man Hunting.
Obsessive sign #4: You shower him or her with gifts
After all, signs of affection are a good thing, right?
Solution: Save your money. If gifts are too expensive or cards come too often, you could make the other person feel uncomfortable.
Obsessive sign #5: You’re rushing things
Immediately after the first date, you try to secure a second one. You start setting relationship goals. You refer to someone you casually dated a few times as “my boyfriend” or “my girlfriend.”
Solution: Play it cool. “Dating works like buying a car. If you are too eager, the salesperson will take advantage of you,” says dating coach Kelly. “Instead, have an ‘I’m ready to take it or leave it’ attitude. They’ll come running after you.”
Obsessive sign #1: You worry that you’re getting “too old”
With each passing year, you get increasingly anxious that your desirability is dwindling. You’ve even set a “deadline” to meet someone. “Many people worry that they’ll be alone forever. The anxiety starts to feed off itself,” says Debra Mandel, a Los Angeles-based psychologist.
Solution: Lighten up, and you’ll be more attractive to prospective dates or mates. After all, whom would you rather hang out with — someone who’s fun, confident, active and happy, or an insecure bundle of nerves?
Obsessive sign #2: You spend all your free time hunting for a mate
I used to have a friend who rated our activities by how much potential they had for meeting a man. She refused to participate in “no potential” outings such as hiking, biking, or going to a movie. Instead she preferred to sit at a bar in hopes that Mr. Right would walk in.
Solution: Get a life. It’s doubtful anyone worthwhile will be interested in someone whose only hobby is trying to get a date. Hang with friends (while you still have some — obsessive mate-hunting is a good way to lose them!), join a gym, volunteer for a good cause. “Limit the time you spend searching for dates to a couple of hours a week,” says Mandel. “The more fully you live, the better your chances of attracting a suitable companion.”
Obsessive sign #3: You hang your hopes on first dates
Before the night is over, you’re already wondering where the two of you will live and if your kids will get along.
Solution: Keep it light. “The first date is simply about chemistry and seeing if the conversation flows,” says Liz Kelley, dating coach and author of Smart Man Hunting.
Obsessive sign #4: You shower him or her with gifts
After all, signs of affection are a good thing, right?
Solution: Save your money. If gifts are too expensive or cards come too often, you could make the other person feel uncomfortable.
Obsessive sign #5: You’re rushing things
Immediately after the first date, you try to secure a second one. You start setting relationship goals. You refer to someone you casually dated a few times as “my boyfriend” or “my girlfriend.”
Solution: Play it cool. “Dating works like buying a car. If you are too eager, the salesperson will take advantage of you,” says dating coach Kelly. “Instead, have an ‘I’m ready to take it or leave it’ attitude. They’ll come running after you.”
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